September 2013

The pain is getting worse and I feel like I take too many pills to make it go away.  That can’t be good for my liver or renal system.  It starts in my left elbow and goes around to the front crease and it hurts.  Sharply so.  I look up diabetic neuropathy and am properly horrified.  Does it explain the pain in my elbow or the burning in my legs?  Does it explain why my shins hurt if you so much as brush against them?  Does it explain the knots that are growing under my skin all across my body?  Am I hypochondriac because the pain doesn’t show on the skin?  If I were bleeding, would my pain then be justified?  I know my girlfriend thinks I’m just a whiner, because whatever is wrong with me is invisible.  Is it depression?  Is that what is manifesting itself into pain that debilitates me, even when I’m alone?  I don’t want to be this person.  I don’t know when I became this person; I was always the strong one.  Please don’t say go to a doctor.  I live paycheck to paycheck, hand to mouth.  What money I make is owed before I even get the direct deposit.  Free clinic, you say…not here.  Choose between feeding my family and going to see a doctor…can’t draw that line with a clear conscience.  Insurance…ha…that was for when I worked in-house.  I’m considered self-employed these days.  The hospital..did that…they look at you like you’re a bug and then say, Here’s our bill, go to a doctor.  Thanks, thanks a lot.  See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya.  Any doctors out there wanna be my friend, treat me for free?  Yeah, I figured not.  Stupid life.

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