Well, the tests are done. It’s all a waiting game now. Waiting to see if the mass was really there or merely ‘artifact’ on the film, waiting to see what the options are, waiting to see what the risks are, waiting to see if I have cervical cancer, waiting to see what happens next.
So today I’ve been listening to Tim McGraw singing “I went skydiving – I went Rocky Mountain climbing – I went two point seven seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu – And I loved deeper – And I spoke sweeter – And I gave forgiveness I’d been denyin’ – And he said some day I hope you get the chance – To live like you were dyin’….” and I’ve been thinking about all the things I want to do in the next year, even if it’s just living.
Which brings me to the rant that I didn’t write last week, at least not in here. I did write it on my Facebook page and it made me very unpopular with half of my friends and well supported by the other half. Two words, one action – Robin Williams. Suicide. Okay, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say – Hey, I’m not for that. Not for any fucking reason you can dream up.
One friend said, “But he was depressed.” Oh hell, who isn’t? I know I am! Half of my friends are on medications for it; some of them even see the doctor on a regular basis. I choose to cry alone, fight with my emotions, and sometimes almost physically force my ass up when all in the world I want to do is sleep, sleep, sleeezzzzzzp or lie in the road and wait for a semi – but I don’t. I get up, go to work, and cry, alone and come in here and whine to you guys sometimes.
One friend said “he had the onset of Parkinson’s”. Okay. Michael J. Fox told us he had that, when, in the 1980s? Still hasn’t killed himself once. Millions of people suffer from depression and probably another million have Parkinson’s. (Yes, I totally made those numbers up.) But the point is – everybody doesn’t kill themselves. He had children, for God’s sake! What the hell? You don’t just hang yourself when you have kids! Grow the fuck up. Get a pair of balls. Get some help! So life’s hard. Big hairy deal.
ANYWAY. So one of my supportive friends said, I wonder if he’d had cancer, would he have waited? I know if I have it, I will be fighting with my last breath and I for sure won’t end my own life.
WHERE THERE IS LIFE, THERE IS HOPE.
Let’s not forget that. Life – hope. Key words right there. Anyway, goal for next summer – walk the Appalachian Trail. I want to do the whole thing. Time being a factor in terms of the weather means I may not get to do the whole thing but I am going on it, I am going to walk just as far as I possibly can before I either give up or become bear food. But I won’t become a statistic; I won’t come up with a pathetic excuse to end my own life. You want me, God? Fight me then! Where there is life, there is hope.